Les radis. Brassens

Chacun sait qu'autrefois les femm's convaincues d'adlutère
Se voyaient enfoncer dans un endroit qu'il me faut taire
Par modestie
Un énorme radis.
Or quand j'étais tout gosse, un jour de foire en mon village,
J'eus la douleur de voir punir d'une épouse volage
La perfidie,
Au moyen du radis.
La malheureuse fut traînée sur la place publique
Par le cruel cornard armé du radis symbolique,
Ah! Sapristi,
Mes aïeux quel radis!
Vers la pauvre martyre on vit courir les bonn's épouses
Qui soit dit entre nous, de sa débauche étaient jalouses.
Je n'ai pas dit: Jalouses du radis.
Si j'étais dans les rangs de cette avide et basse troupe,
C'est qu'à cette époqu'-là je n'avais encor' pas vu de croupe,
Ni de radis,
Ca m'était interdit.
Le cornard attendit que le forum fût noir de monde
Pour se mettre en devoir d'accomplir l'empal'ment
Lors il brandit
Le colossal radis.
La victime acceptait le châtiment avec noblesse,
Mais il faut convenir qu'elle serrait bien fort les fesses
Qui, du radis,
Allaient être nanties.
Le cornard mit l'radis dans cet endroit qu'il me faut taire,
Où les honnêtes gens ne laiss'nt entrer que des clystères.
On applaudit les progrès du radis.
La pampe du légume était seule à présent visible,
La plante était allée jusqu'aux limites du possible,
On attendit
Les effets du radis.
Or, à l'étonnement du cornard et des gross's pécores
Ell' dit à pleine voix:"Je n'aurais pas cru qu'un tel supplice
Pût en si peu de temps me procurer un tel délice!
Mais les radis
Mènent au paradis!"
Ell' n'avait pas fini de chanter le panégyrique
Du légume en question que toutes les pécores lubriques
Avaient bondi
Vers les champs de radis.
L'oeil fou,l'écume aux dents, ces furies se jetèr'nt en meute
Dans les champs de radis qui devinrent des champs d'émeute.
Y'en aura-t-y
Pour toutes, des radis?
Ell's firent un désastre et laissèrent loin derrière elles
Les ravages causés par les nuées de sauterelles.
Dans le pays,
Plus l'ombre d'un radis.
Beaucoup de maraîchers constatèrent qu'en certain nombre
Il leur manquait aussi des betterav's et des concombres
Raflés pardi
Comme des vils radis.
Tout le temps que dura cette manie contre nature,
Les innocents radis en vir'nt de vert's et de pas mûres,
Pauvres radis,
Héros de tragédie.
Lassés d'être enfoncés dans cet endoit qu'il me faut taire,
Les plus intelligents de ces légumes méditèrent.
Ils se sont dit:
"Cessons d'être radis!"
Alors les maraîchers semant des radis récoltèrent
Des melons,des choux-fleurs, des artichauts, des pomm's de terre
Et des orties
Mais pas un seul radis.
A partir de ce jour, la bonne plante potagère
Devint dans le village une des denrées les plus chères:
Plus de radis
Pour les gagne-petit.
Certain's pécor's futées dir'nt sans façon: "Nous on s'en fiche
De cette pénurie, on emploie les radis postiche
Qui garantit
Du manque de radis."
La mode du radis réduisant le nombre de mères
Qui donnaient au village une postérité, le maire,
Dans un édit
Prohiba le radis.
Un crieur annonça: "toute femme pris à se mettre
Dans l'endroit réservé au clystère et au thermomètre
Même postiche un semblant de radis.
Sera livrée aux mains d'une maîtresse couturière
Qui sans aucun délai, lui faufilera le derrière
Pour interdire l'accès du radis."
Cette loi draconienne eut raison de l'usage louche
S'absorber le radis par d'autres voies que par la bouche,
Et le radis,
Le légume maudit,
Ne fut plus désormais l'instrument de basses manoeuvres
Et n'entra plus que dans la composition des hors-d'oeuvre
Qui, à midi,
Aiguisent l'appétit.

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